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So, Bacon Causes Cancer — How Much Do You Not Care?

bacon

Do you yearn for sizzling, greasy strips of mouth-watering bacon? Before indulging in another bacon cheeseburger, bacon-wrapped filet mignon or bacon club sandwich, consider this – according to the World Health Organization, bacon, sausages and other processed meats are now believed to cause cancer! Yes, a new report by the WHO places America’s go-to meat products in the same category as a lungfull of dust from an old building.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “What’s going to take the place of bacon during breakfast?” Or you’re thinking, “Aw, man, and I JUST discovered the awesomeness of bacon maple bars!”

Or, you’re like us, and you’re thinking, “Who cares?”

Need some help rationalizing how little you care about the WHO’s damning evidence against processed pork? Well here you go – 10 strips of truth to justify staying hooked on your favorite fried-up goodness.

10. Because Tofu on a burger will never look this good.

9. Because you’re probably going to die anyway just from sitting for so long. Might as well enjoy some bacon!

8. Because the best scrambled eggs in the universe are cooked in fresh bacon grease. Why deprive yourself of perfectly cooked bacon if you’re going to use the grease anyway?

7. Because the Chinese started eating bacon as early as 1500 B.C., and more than 3,500 years of history CAN’T be wrong.

6. Because of this.

5. Because the economy – bacon cologne, bacon mayonnaise, bacon bandages, bacon gum, bacon and eggs, KEVIN BACON. Did you know that 1.7 billion lbs. of bacon are consumed through food service in the U.S. each year?

4. And this.

3. Oh, and because of this, too.

2. Because everything eventually tastes good if you just keep adding bacon.

….

And finally, the #1 reason not to care about the WHO’s new report…

….

1. Because even though bacon might actually kill you, it probably won’t be from cancer. Hello, heart disease!

Scott Pesznecker is a journalist and online content writer in Portland, Ore.

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